Inside out...

This is a strange post. probably very personal and I suspect the act of writing it is what I need to do to clarify my thoughts and feelings rather than it being of much interest to you, the reader - so sorry about that but I need to do it so indulge me! Last year I was elected onto the Church of England's General Synod. It was an immense privilege to be elected by my fellow clergy in the Diocese of Portsmouth and a responsibility which I take very seriously. For those of you who are unsure what General Synod is, basically it is the decision making body of the national church, it's Parliament if you will. In fact, alongside the UK Parliament it is the only other law making body in the country. As I said, I do not take my role as part of it lightly.

I attended my first session for three days in November 2016 and I have just finished my second three day session in London. Synod members are well looked after and the staff at Church House are fantastic. We discussed a very wide range of issues including the problems caused by the Government's punitive benefit sanctions, the mission of the Church, an agreement between the Church of England and the Church of Scotland, training of ministers and the Renewal and Reform agenda. I also attended an additional fringe evening meeting about human sexuality and the mess the Church has got itself into over this issue. As you can see there was a mixture of great things, good debates and boring church legislature - overall there was a positive emphasis - or at least I felt so.

There have been moments of great excitement as the whole synod came together to support powerful statements about helping the poorest in society and sharing the love of God with the nation. There have also been lows as, in my opinion, poorly thought though motions that display a lack of love and care for others were presented and on occasions voted through, but then I guess that is the democratic process.

So how am I left feeling after these second three days? An outsider. Strange isn't it, here I am in the midst of the centre of the Church of England discussing matters of great importance which will impact the future of the Church and yet I feel an outsider. I felt the same at the November session but assumed that was just new boy feeling but by now it should have gone. I have a good grasp of how it works, I know my way around the building and the synodical system but feel somehow on the edge.

As a gay priest someone once told me I would end up clinging to the Church of England by my finger tips and I have felt that for some time but continue to cling because I believe it is what God wants of me. This is not just about my sexuality although that may be part of it. This is a somehow deeper feeling, an unease, an exclusion which is deeply felt and which no end of networking seems to address. Don't get me wrong, there are some fantastic people at General Synod, those I have met through the Inclusive Church network and the members from the Diocese of Truro deserve a special mention in this respect! But somehow it still feels like a club I am part of and yet also excluded from.

Having spent a day thinking and reflecting on the experience two words have come to mind which I think go some way to explaining what I am currently going through - 'trust' and 'ordinary'.

Inevitably there is a certain amount of political posturing and game playing as there is in any human organisation of this size. that I can take, I hate it but I can take it. What I noticed significantly this time was the lack of trust between people. A lack of trust in any motion or amendment which everyone assumes is burdened with a hidden agenda, which it may have been I guess? A lack of trust that there is not some grand plan from the centre of the church which must be resisted at all costs, again perhaps that is true? But I can't help thinking that within an institution that seeks to be Christ's bride, his hands on earth that this shouldn't be so - at least not to the extent I became aware of it during this session. Perhaps I am just naive?

This brings me to my second word 'ordinary'. I am a very ordinary bloke. Most of my life is spent working with ordinary people. And it is great. Perhaps it is my ordinariness which makes me feel uncomfortable at synod? I am not saying that all the other members of synod aren't also ordinary too (well, most of them, there are some who are 'extra' ordinary!) but that somehow when we get together for those intense three days as a whole we perhaps lose our grasp of the ordinary - we become somewhat removed from the ordinary worlds we come from and take on a strange 'central church' persona. Perhaps this is why the most energising and exciting debates were those which related to the ordinary things of life, on sharing the love of God or taking a stand against the Government's punitive benefit sanctions or encouraging blood and organ donations as part of our christian service?

So maybe that is why I, and the many other ordinary members of General Synod, need to be there. To remain ordinary. To remind those who spend so much more time than we do at the centre of the national church what being ordinary feels like, To make some connection between Synod and ordinary.

At some of the debates some very sensible speakers talked about the need to ensure that the warm words of encouragement spoken in the chamber turn into action outside of it. that they move from being well intentioned words to concrete expressions of love and the mission of the church.

So this is why I consider it a privilege to be part of synod, to be ordinary people seeking to do incredible things in the name of the amazing, incredible, all loving God who for our sake, became ordinary.